Hi there mind.

I'd just been contemplating, while watching "from up on poppy hill", in the context of my new found miyazaki marathon (that came as a result of writing in my okcupid profile that I watched all his films and discovering that not even close) about my decision to be into a more productive, positive and, I think most importantly, intentfull life - In other words, a life in which I practice what I preach to myself within my own mind. I realize that for a very long time I've been telling myself in my head lot's and lots about what I should be doing but mainly just going with what I feel like at that particular moment.
That attitude hasn't led me to a horrible life, but it has brought me to a lot of guilt, (and to being less of who I'd like to be than what I am. And I don't care that that's a self indulging sentence. Now I will correct it in the atmosphere of controlling myself:) and most importantly, it harmed my love for who I am.
I try to go back and think what might have caused that. First thinking it would have been my encountering Orit and experiencing her passionate uncaucious passion so early on, thus confiding in me that my life would be so easy. Or my mothers over confidence in my abilities and her recurring affirmation that I could become an architect or a writer or a businessman or whatever I would put my hands on she would tell me... But seriously, as if there could be any one specific cause to underachieving.
Changing is an uphill battle unless you change for the easier. And I think I've done plenty of the easier.
Of course, alternatively you could say that the real cause for this anxiety is actually overly grand expectations. As some will say - the secret to happiness is low expectations (even as I write these words I imagine myself growing to become a great writer smiting amazement into my peers). Not that I believe that, but certainly too-high expectations don't help one's self esteem.
Tami says so. She says not only that, but that I'm a particularly driven person and that I'm always pushing myself so far. I guess I can't bring myself to express to her confidently just how many hours I've spent watching dumb youtube videos or reading random tidbids online.
It doesn't matter how intellectual, reading a magazine article, and that's what this online crap comes down to, is no match to reading a book. As varied as they may be, and as esteemed the authors, you don't make a true intellectual by skimming two page articles for eternity.
I'm sure I would have plenty more to say if I had been reading anything of true essence.

Oh and all those conversations with all those people which I regard as so smart, and how I "hold my own" no matter how formally educated they are, and every so often surprise of my intelligence and grasp. The surprise is because I'm not exactly one that would make you expect all that. I guess.

Tami tells me I need to be gentle on myself, I need to love myself regardless.
Wasn't it she that gave me as a gift "the Tao of poo" which I read and then thought I know what Tao is.
Too few sources of feedback, too specifically selected. Too long since I put myself through proper evaluation of any kind.

Tami says I'm amazing. Is she amazing? I think she's lovely. Is that good enough for me?
And wouldn't it be a problem if I end up spending my life doing menial labor every time I need money?
It doesn't seem like it will end up like that. If I do enough projects in theory I should do fine.
It just seems too easy to do another Basaly. Would it have been financially feasible if I hired people to do the work. And anyway that way I would be acting as a contractor - not a designer or a business person.
But my skill to some extent is undeniable. Look how tough it's been for lorenzo, how hard it was for him to figure out what needs to be done.
Also simcha, with all the intention he had in the beginning, it didn't seem like he could grasp things quite like I can.

I am intelligent. and these years of spending so much time on crap hasn't taken that away. Marijuana doesn't do that, and wasting time doesn't do that. I've just spent my brain otherwise and developed maybe less skills than I could have.
But I am wiser, and I have a range of knowledge in practical matters that very few can bolster.
I will use this knowledge. I will use it to build again. It seems easy to me because of all my experience.
Redesigning and rebuilding an apartment, or building a busness involves way too many variables for most people. I have the experience that makes it seem simple to me. Just like a physician might look at a bone fracture as a simple matter while I wouldn't know the first thing to do (except I guess go to the doctor. and perhaps to elevate effort from that bone, which while intuitive, someone else might make that mistake).
No doubt I sure have lots more to learn about delegation. And how to see truely how much stress and effort a project might take away from me. But indeed, there is no reason not to do it again - on the contrary - I should! this is the diploma I have! this is the experience I got. It is what I know how to do now! I don't have nothing! I have a bunch of experience! I only need to not be afraid to use it.



I think to a large extent I was very much disappointing by my lack of creativity.
Somehow, it seems, I've been given a good level of aptitude is showing intelligence and creativity under inspection, but not given a drive to actually do it all that much, like true brilliant people that just love to act on their passion.
I must stop hating myself for this.
I will stop hating myself for this.

I must raise myself as I would raise a child.
In actuality, if I can't raise myself properly, I can't raise children properly.

And how is that? in three words - active positive feedback.

I have been compelled by stephan molinoux, and his theories, and many other sources where I've seen other things to support the point.
Just like I learned at "Saba Jack"s - Positive feedback should be the constant. Love and affection. And admiration when things go extra well. Negative feedback must be only administered after gentle loving nudging comes first, and it should be in the form of a quick harsh snap back onto track.

Here it is. A good first step. 5 good things I did today:
(drum roll please)

1. I really rested well, as I should on shabbos.
2. I started making true to my statement about watching all of miazaki's films. He is a wonderful artist and watching his films makes me feel good and enriches me. It's not crap. It's lovely, exotic, esoteric art that I am proud to be a patron, or maybe not a patron, but a appreciator of.
3. I video chated with my dear friends Orr and Ariel. I love them. And I want to keep them by my side (not geographically perhaps, but spiritually).
4. I wrote in my Diary.
5. hmmm... a bit stuck suddenly... I thanked Tami for her feedback. But just to strengthen that I'm gonna go do it more clearly now :)

Coogs journey to self actualization

At my 25th birthday I was struck with the realization that I have wasted most of the past say... 4 years, smoking pot and feeling sorry for myself.
That's not to say that I spent most of the time smoking pot, I couldn't possibly afford that, so a large portion of the time I substituted the pot with cigarettes, which gradually became more dominant. Otherwise I could always subdue my dopamine receptors with a dose of porn, video games or just randomly sefing the web aimlessly reading little tidbits of info or opinions - so long as I wasn't gawking at lolcats or fail videos I could convince myself that I'm being somehow constructive and educational to myself.
Did that convince you? It sure as hell didn't convince me.
Yeah that's just another example of how I would flatly roll on some demagoguery at myself and just strut along for a little while till I trip and then, there I would be, lying after a small stumble crying like a baby how meager and lame and ooooahhghg.... there I go again.

Now, it's not that I did /nothing/. see, I opened a business, and made a sorta investment sorta thing and stuff, and I had a few girlfriends. I'm not a total loser. I've always had the capacity to do just enough to give myself reason to believe that I'm a special little pearl and that in actuality I'm beating the system by getting by well doing so little. What system you ask? so should have I, I guess I did, but thing is I'm just not stupid enough to believe my own bullshit. There is no one out there I'm up against. It's just me in the world and what I make of it.

So, here I am, twenty five and a quarter, not believing how the time went by and how the hell do I feel like I was a cooler person years ago - this should sooo be my prime no? if I'm so lame at 25 than where do we go from here? am I gonna be a time wasting self hating little shit for the rest of my life?

Obviously this will be giving me such a bad rep to myself when I read this in the future. I'm not always so miserable, but I am indeed usually this full of caveats.

So, shocked as I am to find myself at 25 with no degree, a useless business, that while serving a number of customers well, makes no revenue not to mention I might have to pay off /it's/ debts eventually, a little house thing that theoretically is making me an income, though I haven't checked my bank account balance since that should have begun (I think I might be afraid it's not actually happening), no girlfriend, and having just dumped my least attractive girlfriend yet (maybe, either that or at least the ego/girlfriend gap was at it's widest, given that with my businesses and all I had succeeded in maintaining a feeling of exaggerated self worth, a bubble that, of course would be busted on a regular basis), no money (even though I had been given a nice sum from my late great grandma only a few months back), bad spending habits, don't know how to cook, don't know how to dance, don't know what the fuck I want in this life and...

(It's refreshing seeing my usual self defecating, sorry defeating, mambo jumbo in writing for a change instead of as a constant ramble in my head)

So, wake up call abound I got up and decided to make a change. So, I went back to the basics of... hold on. What kind of death loop am I in if I think that the last time I was in this position I went and got fit and worked at a horse ranch and in fact that was... well about 6 years ago. So I had two "good" years and since I've been in a rut? clearly there's some serious self manipulation going on here. You can't call it a rut if it's most of the time. If I came out of a rut six years ago and I consider myself to be coming out of a rut that's been of for the past four years. Not to mention that the time that I just called "came out of a rut" was a process that took a long time in other words I see miself to have been in a rut, then gone through a process of coming out of said rut only to come back into another rut at the end of that process.
Obviously "rut" is a sever misnomer. A more appropriate term should probably be "a general state of self deprecation".
Tami is right. I need therapy.

Anyway... so since my 25th birthday, which for all intents and purposes wasn't so bad. Given, I didn't have the guts to make a birthday party, though, what the heck why do I have to, but I had a girlfriend who loved me and got me presents, I hung out with good friends and I think played at my studio too, and had a deep sachnash with my friend Orr.
Somehow I didn't feel at such a low place during my birthday.
But I did feel a deep urge to make a change.
So I've so far quit smoking, quit weed, started working out, and mildly improved my eating habits. still not cooking though.
Over the past few days I've been beating myself up over how unable to make a decision I am regarding my future, and this is now that I know how bad it is not to make a decision - often worse, it seems, than not making one at all.
At the end of the day the most important conclusion I got from the past few years, it seems to me at the moment, is that doing nothing is a very very bad thing to do. And whatever you do, it better not be nothing.
It's so hard to break away from the solace of nothing. Nothing doesn't stress you out or demand or any of that stuff.
Just tune in and drop out was so constant in my life. and of course that got me very much no where.
Where was I... quit weed and smoking. which is very good. very good indeed. I really feel like I've gotten a grasp of it. on the one hand I could say that it's not so impressive now that I'm in a different country where the main people that I know are my square relatives, and to be honest, the one "friend" I've made so far I actually did make over a few joints... and I did end up buying weed from him and I did end up smoking with him whenever I could. That is, throughout my vow to wait till the kmork. WRONG I quit a couple days early.

All this shows the state of affairs I'm coming from - a complete lack of self control. This is what has to change. It's happening though I can feel it. I can see it.
Also I see that I'm particularly weak to social pressure. hey, that makes sense - I'm an introvert and I have a hard time making friends. I'm not particularly funny and there are very few people who really enjoy the way I express my depth. of which I think I have lost plenty.
aside from writing I also need to get back into the habbit of reading books.
For this I need two things - good books, and control of my internet consumption.

Fact is - I've got plenty of free time on my hands, well that's assuming the studio doesn't swallow it all up... (hands free alek)
oh gosh now I'm feeling all that thai food I just wasted my money on. why couldn't I just eat an apple? and why do I always have to finish my fucking plate guh!

so what I need to do is read, not stupid fucking internet garbage - fucking books!

Ok well this was actually quite pleasant I have to say. I believe it will become one of my new positive habits. But now I need to wake up in about four hours so I think I might just jack off or some shit and then shut my eyes and see what happens.


11 Feb 15 Melbourne in the guest room at Jacks place.

Test one tow three four...

Anything but that!

Heres to new beginnings!
Heres to me finishing what I start for once (and hopefully many more).

Cheers!